Dating do’s and don’t s

Truthfully I don’t remember what this post was supposed to be about.

I recall that I had an idea in the shower about a week ago.  I had several other things to attend to so I penned a short note in the blog and forgot about it.  Now that I’ve come back to it the note says:

“dating do’s and don’t:  mostly I don’t”

Not too clear.  However it’s on the list and since we’re near Valentines day I might as well write something about dating and get that semi-obligatory post out-of-the-way.

Right, so taking a cue from the note, mostly I don’t date.  Introverted and shy are not the best combination to work with as far as dating goes so that’s a handicap even before coming out of the gate.  However, even a broken clock is right twice a day so I’ve picked up the odd date here and there (some odder than the rest).  So here are some first date tips and hard-won lessons from memories of those dates from long, long ago.

…(long ago)

Do’s

• Establish that this is going to be a date.  In most cases you don’t have to blurt out “This is going to be a date, right?”  But sometimes it’s needed.

Pro tip:  Start with something like “Do you want to go out on a date?”  Pretty unmistakable intention right there.

• Know something about your date.  Not knowing that your date is vegan and taking them to a steak place is not advisable.  I mean I get it that you just met this person like a week ago and haven’t had any in-depth conversations and all but I think that might be a good detail to know?

Obviously something attracted you to this person so why not do a little research first?  Just don’t be too creepy and carry around a clipboard with a list of questions.

• Confidence.  Dates can smell fear.  You must be relaxed yet assertive.  Cool but not cold.  Self assured yet not arrogant.  Act like that movie cool actor you saw in that movie (whatever that movie was) that you liked.

Just don’t quote lines from the movie verbatim and if you do, make sure that it’s not a movie that your date knows.

• Have something in common.  Going out with someone just because they’re good-looking will usually be very boring.  The conversation will quickly start to revolve around how good-looking they are and what they do to stay good-looking and how they like to be around other good-looking people.  After that (say about the time that the salad arrives) things pretty much go dead quiet for the rest of the evening.

Going out with someone who you have something in common will give you something to start with and usually leads to other topics of discussion so at least your date won’t be boring.

• Dress (yes, you must wear clothes) appropriately.  Going to a heavy metal bar in business attire is usually not advisable (meaning safe) nor is meeting your date at some high society function looking like you just came from panhandling next to the 59 and Kirby underpass.

Pro tip:  Soccer moms in mini vans are the best panhandling opportunities.

Showers are amazingly effective in making your dates not run away; as is some sort of deodorant/perfume/cologne.  Just don’t go overboard.  A clean smell is preferable to smelling like a Fort Worth stockyard in mid August or like a Marseille bordello.

•  Ending the evening.  Always try to end the evening on a positive and cordial note no matter how horribly it went.  At the very least you will gain a friendly acquaintance from the experience.

Always smile and if they apologize for a terrible evening say something like “I never did mind about the little things.”  (bonus points if you can tell me from what movie that line came from.)

(Addendum).  Not really sure what the procedure is for a successful date as it so rarely happens to me.  I can however speculate.  One thing that springs to mind is to ask for another date.  Then if you’re successful at obtaining one, try to remember what you did right the first time, then, do it again.

Don’t s

• Don’t do something involved for the first date.  Things like going to the movies together, or sports events, or spelunking.  Things that require both parties concentration.  You want to get to know the other person the first time around not just go to another event.  Save that for down the road.

Hang out together, talk.  Some people I know have had “phone” dates and chatted on the phone for 6 hours at a time.  Other people take walks or share a drink.  If you make it an alcoholic drink keep it to a mild buzz.  You don’t want to have to rely on your date to drive you home or to hold your hair back while you kneel in front of a toilet bowl.

• Put away the cell phone, the tablet, the beeper, or whatever.  Unless you’re like a heart surgeon or a member of SEAL team 6.  Then yes, keep that stuff on…  People are depending on you.

But really it’s just rude and you’re cheating yourself of the experience.  This is time set aside for this person not just a regular part of your routine.  Make the honest effort to make the date special.

• Don’t get too personal on your first date.  You don’t know this person that well.  Maybe they will get scared off if you get too personal or maybe you don’t want to see them after this date and you don’t want them knowing all this stuff about you.  Keep things casual and light at first.

On the other hand if you want to get rid of them and freak them out you can tell them that you’re carrying your meth-head ex-boyfriend’s baby and that he just busted out of prison and might be in the area.

• Don’t try to be someone you’re not.  Be yourself and don’t try to over impress on the first date.  If you do this then you have to come up with a back story to frame your over impressive self-resume and that just devolves into lying.

You have to come up with various reasons as to why your private jet isn’t working and can’t fly you to your beach house on St. Kitt’s Island and I mean have you even looked into the price for renting a private jet by the hour?  Ridiculous!

• Sex (there, I said it).  Just put that out of your mind for the first date.  Unless there are sparks and fireworks going off all around you (and it’s not just gunfire in the distance) you won’t even reach this level of intimacy for a few dates.

Focus on other things like not coming off as creepy or desperate (see confidence up above)

• Don’t assume anything.  Maybe the date went better than you think; maybe it was a total fiasco.  A wait and see attitude is always best.

If weeks pass by and the other person’s phone number has changed or they’ve moved without any forwarding address then yes it probably was a bad date.

The best piece of advice that I could give is to try to have a good time.  That’s the point of the date, right?  It shouldn’t be a chore or a bothersome obligation or something that you dread.  If it starts feeling like that then maybe this is a sign that this isn’t going anywhere.