Everyone has them. We sub-divide and classify people in our lives into different strata.
Rings of familiarity. Depending on how small those rings are there are things that you will and won’t discuss with these people. Things that you will and won’t do with people in these groups. Generally the rings run (from outermost to innermost) nation, tribe, acquaintance, friend, family, me. My rings are a little different.
From the outermost layer we start with all of humanity in its many customs, religions and quirks. Our outermost layer of affinity. Despite all the stupid or terrible things that we do we understand that we’re all human.
We don’t personally interact much with people on the other side of the planet or even most people in our own cities. I will however listen and hear about their problems on the news or internet or in some magazine and empathize. Most likely this represents about 99.995% of humanity to you (literally, do the math if you don’t believe me).
Next comes the national ring. This is becoming a rapidly outdated and meaningless distinction as people from all over the world mix and match and settle where they think they best belong. What it means to be English, or American, or Indian, or Haitian or Malaysian is changing. Not only are people migrating more but the internet is having a homogenizing effect on culture.
At the moment it does have a little validity if only because people for the most part still acknowledge it. This ring, much like the tribal ring, will disappear. I don’t see this ring lasting more than a couple hundred more years at most.
Next we have the lesser acquaintances. The cashier you see maybe twice a month or that guy that jogs past every morning and says hello out of reflex. You may share some absent-minded comments with them such as “how bout this heat?” or “what about that local sports team?”. But mostly it’s for form’s sake.
You don’t expect or think this interaction will lead to anything else and you certainly don’t expect to share some deep problem with them. Of course there’s migration between the rings but it takes time and effort from both parties to boost a person out of this ring up to the next level. This makes up the bulk of the people who “you know”.
Next come the greater acquaintances. These people you see on a weekly to daily basis. Maybe you chat with them on social media, maybe they’re neighbors, or co-workers. They know more about you and you know more about them. But generally what you share is what you allow to be shared. You’re still somewhat guarded around these people.
We then come to the friends layer. This also has inner and outer layers as well. I would say one way that the distinction is made as to who is inner and who is outer is the age of the relationship. Generally older relationships are deeper and therefore inner relationships. Friends get access to more details of your life and get to hear some of the daily worries and maybe even some family gossip.
With friends you also start seeing some built-in and unspoken obligations appear. It’s generally understood that I will pick up a stranded friend in the middle of the night without a second thought, I will go to their wedding and not turn up with the cheapest gift on the registry, I will sit and listen to whatever is on their mind.
The family ring. The people you’ve known the longest. They will expect to have something to say about anything that you share with them and they expect that you will have something to say about anything that they share. Families can be close, they can be distant, competitive. This is the layer where the kidney transplants and the “loan your brother, money ” events occur. It’s also the layer where you can get so angry with them that you can’t stand it. But in the end you take them back cause they are family.
Lastly is me. Ideally there should be one last layer before reaching me. That one special person you share everything with and that knows you so well that they might as well be you. You might think that this person should be in the family ring but no, this is the person that you have a special bond with and that you want to share as much as possible with.
At least this is how I see my world.
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