Category Archives: Friends

The story of your life

September 11, 2015 7:06 AM , Leave a Comment ,

“We are the sum of our experiences”

I’ve heard this quote in several different versions in various books, movies, and plays.  Usually it is being offered up as advice by an older character to a younger character to take the long view of life and not just dwell upon a single event as the defining event of their life.

“When I asked for strength, God sent me hardships to make me grow stronger.”

Possibly a Hindi, native american, Jewish, or christian saying.  Possibly just some universal wisdom that transcends time and culture.

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

Shakespeare from As you like it.

I’ve had to think about and take some comfort in these sayings this year.  This has not been the year that I contemplated or planned for.  Don’t get me wrong, this has been far from a disastrous year but definitely not one that I would like to repeat and we’re not even done yet. But I’ve been trying to make sense and put a positive spin on what’s been going on.

So going in order:  “We are the sum of our experiences”

I am more than a mere biomechanical construct set down on this planet to move dirt around till I wind down.  At least I hope so.  The things that I have done and experienced, the things that have happened to me, the events that I’ve lived through, have shaped and changed my perspective over time.  More than that, the people I have met have altered my outlook on life and given me new things to think about.  I look back on the difficulties that I’ve lived through and see how they have prepared me for some of the challenges that I have or am living through right now.  Without those experiences and the people related to those experiences I would not be me.

Which leads me into the second saying; “When I asked for strength, God sent me hardships”.  I don’t see any of the bad times that I’ve had in my life as tragedies or pointless events or as some sort of punishment.  At least I try not to.  I mean I know it’s tempting to look for fault or to curse and spit when things are going wrong.  I know that I have succumbed to that temptation from time to time.  But over the long haul I see them as scars or marks of experience that remind me that I have survived in the past and that I can continue to survive no matter how much things change or what life throws at me.

And life does change which leads me to the last saying “All the world’s…”

Sometimes I think that life is like a book.  The experiences, the facets of life, are the chapters.  You are the protagonist and your life is the main plot line.  Of course you don’t get to guide or control the plot or the other characters.  Everything and everyone writes the totality of the story but it all comes together in the end.

The people you know are the other characters.  Just like in a long novel some characters make entrances, they affect the story, and then they leave and so ends a chapter.  None of them are truly evil or truly good.  They just play out their parts in your story while living out their own story, of which by the way you are a character in.  We affect and counter affect each other and the resulting mess is what we call life.

I am now trying to look at this year as a learning experience, something to grow and build upon, a facet of my life preparing me for the next chapter whatever that may be.  I have to believe that the people and experiences in the last year have imparted some sort of lesson or wisdom or something that will lead me to the next part of my life.  Which leads me to one final quote.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

That’s the hardest part, letting go and stepping out into the darkness, possibly stepping out into nothingness.  You can get so wrapped up in your dreams and plans that letting go is physically painful.  Facing a new reality without a specific plan or a dream is frightening.

In the end though whether I want to or not, the chapter comes to an end and I have to turn the page and begin writing the next sentence.

Posted in: faith, family, friends, life in general, personality, philosophy, relationships

Getting out there

July 11, 2015 6:33 AM , Leave a Comment ,

I was chatting about work and life the other day over tea at Starbucks.  The conversation drifted in the direction of business networking.  Not the computer kind of network but the personal type of network.  The type that’s hard for me.

Networking really hasn’t changed at all since the first business office was set up.  Having a wide circle of friends and acquaintances always pays off.  Although we may live in an interconnected world of instantaneous communications we still have to initiate contact with other people in order for it to work.

I don’t mean just send emails back and forth or maybe even have a phone conversation but actually “talk” to the other person.  Whether that person is a client, a colleague or even a competitor at another company.  Being more than just a contact card in an email directory is important.  It means that you’re an actual human being that the other person might think of when it comes time to ask for a job, a business opportunity or an introduction to someone else.

Initiating contact doesn’t have to be a big production involving flowers or lunch or whatever.  You can just initiate contact by asking the other person how they’re doing during the course of your regular work exchange.  Do some “industry gossip”.  Talk about that other third company that has nothing to do with you or speculate on the future of your field.  Ask about their goals and plans.

The main thing is that you become a known quantity, that you have a personality, and that you’re a factor in their life.  Not a giant factor but a factor.  You’ll never expect them to break down and cry on your shoulder and you should not expect them to lend you money but at the very least if things go bad you can send out resumes to them, you can ask them if they know about any open bids, you can query them about some job applicant that they may know.

This is the way that the business world works, folks.  It always has and always will be this way.

Posted in: business, career, friends, goals, jobs, opportunities, plans, relationships, social networks, standards and practices, work

The friendship net

June 23, 2015 6:33 AM , Leave a Comment ,

Being a shy introvert I don’t tend to make friends easily. I tend to run alone in both the literal and figurative sense. Most of the time I will make plans on the fly and not even think about inviting other people to come along.  A bad habit I know. Things can get a little lonely at times.

But at times it does have some advantages.  The other day my social media page suggested I might like to do a yoga event for the Summer solstice at the Rothko Chapel at sunrise.  It was too late to organize anything (late Saturday night) so I just hopped in the car the next morning, parked the car in the neighborhood, took a quick 5 mile jog, and got back with a couple of minutes to spare just before sunrise.

When I do have time to properly plan things out I try to reach out to those that might share an interest in what I plan to do.  I think it’s important to share these things with people and give them the opportunity to enjoy these things as I do.  Of course sometimes that doesn’t pan out.

I used to take it personally when plans wouldn’t work out.  But I soon realized that we all live such busy lives that we can’t be expected to drop everything and change plans.  Still, it is nice when things come together.

I’ve learned to enjoy life for it’s own sake and make the best of what life hands me.  I will continue trying to make room for other people in my life but I will also learn to live life on my own terms.

Posted in: activities, friends, life in general

aftermath

March 31, 2015 6:23 AM , Leave a Comment ,

Recently someone who I am very fond of was the victim of a crime.  Physically she’s fine and I think emotionally she’s fine too.  She’s remarkably strong.  But even the most resilient of us can be somewhat marred by such an experience.

I’ve been mugged a couple of times, I’ve known other people who have had their homes or offices burglarized, I’ve known victims of domestic abuse.  Crimes such as these tend to leave a type of blemish or scar on the soul that is sometimes hard to see or make out.

Even the most “benign” or transitory of crimes can be a jarring experience for the victim.  I think part of the reason is the wanton violation of one’s personal space.  The thought that someone can come in at will and impose themselves on you that way would be unsettling to anyone.

What you thought of as “safe” places suddenly need to be re-evaluated.  Someone I know had their office burglarized and he came to the office after it happened and slept in the office with a loaded gun.  His space had been violated and he felt he had to re-establish it as his own.

The other thing is that these type of crimes make you feel jumpy about strangers.  You no longer look at strangers with the same kind of trust and open mind like you once did.

The damage, though it may not show, is real.  You want to help.  But you really shouldn’t.

Not at first anyways.  Something like this has to be dealt with by the person, first and foremost.  They have a lot to sort out and a lot to work through.  Most people do it on their own and at their own pace.

We as friends and family need only stand by if needed.  Just let them know that you’re available and let things work themselves out.  Frustrating sometimes but the best way to handle the situation.

Sometimes though if the person affected doesn’t seem to be healing or moving forward it may be necessary to step in but usually it’s best done with the help of a trained professional.

It may not seem as if you’re doing anything by just standing by, but believe me, you are.  If you are in some way needed, the person will let you know what they need from you so don’t worry about it.

Posted in: friends, life in general, relationships, security

True friends

February 1, 2015 6:33 AM , Leave a Comment ,

[One cold and frosty morning in early Spring a young birdie lay on the ground shivering and nearly frozen. A cow saw him there and decided to help the poor birdie out, and promptly covered him with a huge ‘cow pie’.

The cow pie, while warm, was also very smelly and soon the birdie was yelling at the cow for doing that to him. The warmer he got the louder he yelled.

About this time a coyote,attracted by the singing, jumped out from behind a boulder and snatched the birdie from the pile and brushed off all the mess from him.

Little birdie was relieved and promptly thanked the coyote for helping him out and was promptly eaten by the coyote.

The moral of the story is that not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, not everyone that pulls you out of the shit is your friend, but most important of all, if you find yourself neck-deep in a pile of shit keep your mouth shut.]

 

One of my favorite Old West folk stories.  It helps illustrate today’s topic.  What happens when you make a bad decision and you really can’t face up to it?  Who stands there and lets you go down the wrong path without stepping in and setting you straight?

A true friend, that’s who.  Your acquaintances, some family members, even your regular friends may let you go down the wrong path.  They may let you get away with doing the wrong thing.  But the people you should be listening to will criticize as well as praise you when needed.

Let’s face it.  We’re not perfect.  Not one of us.  It’s easy to look at a person and list his or her faults.  But getting a person to face those faults and acknowledge them?  Now that’s tough.

The best friends you can have are those that will take the time to point that out to you.  They know that their observations may not be well received or appreciated but their concern will override this concern for their social well-being and they will put their friendship on the line to care about you and tell you the truth.

Now, you may not always understand where they’re coming from and you may not even appreciate it in the moment.  No one likes to be criticized.  It’s human nature after all.  But once the anger or humiliation subsides, once you realize why they said what they said, go back and thank them.  It’s never too late.

True friends will always stick with you no matter how bad you smell.

 

Posted in: advice, friends

the rings

October 8, 2014 6:59 AM , Leave a Comment ,

Everyone has them. We sub-divide and classify people in our lives into different strata.

Rings of familiarity.  Depending on how small those rings are there are things that you will and won’t discuss with these people.  Things that you will and won’t do with people in these groups.  Generally the rings run (from outermost to innermost) nation, tribe, acquaintance, friend, family, me.  My rings are a little different.

 

From the outermost layer we start with all of humanity in its many customs, religions and quirks.  Our outermost layer of affinity.  Despite all the stupid or terrible things that we do we understand that we’re all human.

We don’t personally interact much with people on the other side of the planet or even most people in our own cities.  I will however listen and hear about their problems on the news or internet or in some magazine and empathize.  Most likely this represents about 99.995% of humanity to you (literally, do the math if you don’t believe me).

 

Next comes the national ring.  This is becoming a rapidly outdated and meaningless distinction as people from all over the world mix and match and settle where they think they best belong.  What it means to be English, or American, or Indian, or Haitian or Malaysian is changing.  Not only are people migrating more but the internet is having a homogenizing effect on culture.

At the moment it does have a little validity if only because people for the most part still acknowledge it.  This ring, much like the tribal ring, will disappear.  I don’t see this ring lasting more than a couple hundred more years at most.

 

Next we have the lesser acquaintances.  The cashier you see maybe twice a month or that guy that jogs past every morning and says hello out of reflex.  You may share some absent-minded comments with them such as “how bout this heat?” or “what about that local sports team?”.  But mostly it’s for form’s sake.

You don’t expect or think this interaction will lead to anything else and you certainly don’t expect to share some deep problem with them.  Of course there’s migration between the rings but it takes time and effort from both parties to boost a person out of this ring up to the next level.  This makes up the bulk of the people who “you know”.

 

Next come the greater acquaintances.  These people you see on a weekly to daily basis.  Maybe you chat with them on social media, maybe they’re neighbors, or co-workers.  They know more about you and you know more about them.  But generally what you share is what you allow to be shared.  You’re still somewhat guarded around these people.

 

We then come to the friends layer.  This also has inner and outer layers as well.  I would say one way that the distinction is made as to who is inner and who is outer is the age of the relationship.  Generally older relationships are deeper and therefore inner relationships.  Friends get access to more details of your life and get to hear some of the daily worries and maybe even some family gossip.

With friends you also start seeing some built-in and unspoken obligations appear.  It’s generally understood that I will pick up a stranded friend in the middle of the night without a second thought, I will go to their wedding and not turn up with the cheapest gift on the registry, I will sit and listen to whatever is on their mind.

 

The family ring.  The people you’ve known the longest.  They will expect to have something to say about anything that you share with them and they expect that you will have something to say about anything that they share.  Families can be close, they can be distant, competitive.  This is the layer where the kidney transplants and the “loan your brother, money ” events occur.  It’s also the layer where you can get so angry with them that you can’t stand it.  But in the end you take them back cause they are family.

 

Lastly is me.  Ideally there should be one last layer before reaching me.  That one special person you share everything with and that knows you so well that they might as well be you.  You might think that this person should be in the family ring but no, this is the person that you have a special bond with and that you want to share as much as possible with.

At least this is how I see my world.

Posted in: attitude, family, friends, relationships

backsliding

May 9, 2014 6:17 AM , Leave a Comment ,

It’s amazing how easy it is to slip back into old habits and how seductive it is to consider returning to the old patterns of life.

Last week I ran into some “friends” I knew from way back in the 90’s.  These were some people who I knew from the clubs in the glory days of the Richmond strip area when it competed with Washington Avenue as the place to party in Houston.

Very friendly folk, they immediately began telling me about their lives since those days and about other people they we all knew.  They said I should really check back in with the clubs and bars and see what was going on.  I was half tempted to as I hadn’t been back to those haunts in ages.  That’s when it happened.

They began with all the gossip, all the petty rivalries, all the “dirt” about people we mutually knew.  Suddenly I remembered why I had left the club scene back then.

Bad habits are so easy to get back into.  The temptation to let it go and fall back into them is so overwhelming at times.  But it’s not just with people.  Set a pack of cookies or donuts near me for a day and see what happens to them.

A little voice in the back of my head quietly and quite reasonably asks “What’s the harm?  Why not just go back to what you know best?  Why go through the regimented diet, the exercise, all the hassle?”

I think back to three years ago (no, nearly 4 now) and how I felt back then.  The listless days of trying to fill in the hours between meals, the lack of useful purpose and the lack of direction that I had allowed myself to fall into.  I was living exclusively for the moment.  Don’t get me wrong, I got plenty of things done but it was all done without any plan or done on the spur of the moment.

But it’s more than just getting myself fit and getting my life in order.  There’s an old Aggie poem (yes, they do exist) that in part goes:

Fond memories bring a sigh — but nothing more;
Now we are men and life’s a greater thrill,

Reliving those old moments is pleasurable, for a moment at least.  But it’s not the type of life that I want for myself these days.  Thinking about it, I would not feel that it would satisfy me and I would feel forever miserable now that I’ve experienced more.

The way back no longer exists.  The path forward is the only way to go.

Posted in: attitude, food and drink, friends, habits, life in general

The spat

February 20, 2014 6:25 AM , 2 Comments ,

Things aren’t always going to go well in your life and relationships.  Whether it’s friends, family, or even significant others, from time to time you will disagree with people in your life.  Sometimes it will be a small difference of opinion and sometimes it will be as though you never really knew this person.  How you handle it depends on the other person but it also depends on you.  Is it a matter that you are willing to lose a relationship over or is it something where compromise can be reached?

Firstly define the parameters of the disagreement.  Is this something close to your heart or to theirs?  Ask some unobtrusive and non-committal questions about the subject.  Try not to come down for or against the subject.

Let’s assume that it’s a minor topic to both of you.  Is there a possibility of just letting this lie?  Is it really worth the trouble to “iron out”  If it’s a small matter it is usually best to let this alone and sit in the background.  We are all entitled to our own opinions after all.

If it is something close to their heart, is it something that you can skirt around or something that doesn’t affect your interaction with them?  One thing to understand is that this other person has a different life experience than your own.  For whatever reason this topic is important to that person.  Maybe if they explained it to you, you would come to see it in a different light.

If it is something close to your heart then the advice is reversed.  Try to explain your position to them and see if you can bridge the gap.  Let them know why you feel the way you do.  Maybe you will convert them to your point of view, maybe not.

Now comes the hard part.  Something important to both of you where you hold polar opposite views.  This is where family fights begin, friends are lost, and relationships are sundered.  Here you must remember why you like this person in the first place.  Neither side is likely to change their views but the effort must be made.

The two important things to remember is that there is a reason why the other person holds the opinion that they do and that you like interacting with this person for some reason.  Maybe the reason that they hold these views on this topic are not a good reasons, maybe they are.  You need to find out those reasons.  Closing your mind and not attempting to understand will not make things better.  Reaching out and communicating is the best course of action.

Remember, not everything will run smoothly all the time.  Differences of opinion exist in all relationships.  But I think it’s these differences that make relationships special and unique.

Posted in: friends, life in general, relationships, talking

the new paradigm

December 28, 2013 8:42 AM , 2 Comments ,

What would the 20something me have thought?  Sitting in a quiet cafe, hanging out with a friend, drinking tea, and just talking on an afternoon counts as a good time?  Impossible!

But it’s true.  The days of hitting the bars and clubs are long since gone.  Noise for noise sake really.  I don’t totally disdain the experience.  I was a different person back then and my priorities were different.  Young people generally want excitement.  I wanted to live all of life as much and as quickly as possible.  This meant going clubbing, finding new restaurants, doing whatever I was told was the most desirable experiences out there.  I doubt that the younger me would find my current life appealing.

But one day I found myself in that similar situation and had this feeling that I had lived this exact same moment over and over again.  I’ve written in a previous post that “when it’s time to go, it’s time to go”.  By this I mean that we may indeed try to keep a situation going by reapplying ourselves with more vigor and for a time we may succeed but sometimes it’s best to save our energy and move on.  That’s where I was in the mid 2000’s.

Over time I have come to appreciate the simpler pleasures that life affords us and what I am doing now gives me a feeling of satisfaction and joy that I never felt before.  Some would call this maturing or growing up.  I just accept it as part of who I am now.

These moments of simple pleasure are all too rare an experience given work schedules, family pressures, and whatnot but I aim to take advantage of this rare experience as much as I can.

Posted in: entertainment, food and drink, friends

Extending my reach

November 18, 2013 9:06 PM , 2 Comments ,

Sometimes I feel that I have too many obligations and that I am trying to keep too many people happy.  To be honest it’s true.  I do have a tendency to do that at times.

Okay, a lot of the time.

During those times I often think to myself that I should not make so many new acquaintances or that I should limit my interactions to just a few people so I can keep as much time free for myself.

But how selfish is that?  Above and beyond that, I am hurting my own self.  When I interact with more people, when I share, when I get to know those people I often find new perspectives open to me, new ideas, new resources.  Far from hurting myself it’s actually helping me.

What is really hurtful in the long run is to cut myself off, to become isolated.  I end up having less friends and resources to draw upon.

This doesn’t mean that I have to spend every waking second pleasing everyone else.  I can limit and balance my time between my needs and their needs.  This isn’t a zero sum game, if played properly it’s a game that everyone can win and prosper in.

Posted in: friends