Category Archives: Humor

W.S.H.T.F #1

[Author’s note:  Put this in the “I don’t really have a topic even though I thought about this for the longest time so here is some filler material” category.  You might also note that I added a #1 to this as I think this may become a series of posts.  I don’t know.  We’ll see.]

 

WSHTF of course is the acronym for “When (expletive deleted) hits the fan”.  I was on YouTube the other week looking for a link for the Cowboy Bebop post and the search algorithm popped up a series of survival-preparedness videos as something that YouTube thought that I might like.  Apparently there is a whole category with this acronym.  I don’t know. I guess some people are bored and have nothing to do.

But there’s a writing topic here (for at least one post though I am already regretting this and now I’m unsure if I want to write more than one of these), so let’s plow ahead and see what happens.

For our first WSHTF scenario we will deal with the current flavor of the month, zombies.  What will you do when the global zombie apocalypse explodes and your family and friends turn into brain eating ghouls (though that’s disparaging to ghouls as ghouls are much more advanced than zombies and… never mind, another time).

Apparently this topic gets more play than you would imagine as there are various civilian groups of enthusiasts preparing for a zombie apocalypse and even some government agencies and the military use the zombie scenario as a stand in for large-scale civil disasters.

It has been argued that the evolution of civilization can be broken up into five distinct phases: Survival, Building/rebuilding, Expansion, Maturity, Collapse.  In this scenario you are either in the collapse or survival phase.  With that in mind, you can choose to handle this in distinctly different ways.

You can choose to throw out all the rules of modern society and focus on your own survival because in a society in free fall collapse you will only survive by using your wits and by being willing to throw out altruism (preferably from a tall building) and looting as many pre-disaster goods as possible while kneecapping as many people you come across and insuring that the zombies will go for them rather than you.

Or you can choose to stubbornly cling to a few choice shreds of civilization and try to maintain some semblance of law and order as well as fanning the flames of empathy and humanity to rebuild a shattered world.

I think the truth lies somewhere between these two extremes.  In a dog eat dog (and dog eat cat and dog eat human and human eat possum and I guess what I’m trying to say is just don’t turn up your nose at it, okay?) world we will have to make some hard choices in order to survive and trying to do the “right thing” may just be one of those hard choices.

Sure, sure it might be easier to hit that guy with a lead pipe and take his box of mac and cheese.  But maybe you can share that mac and cheese with your can of tuna and make a tuna casserole bake and maybe it won’t be as gross as that possum fritter you had for breakfast (I’m just saying maybe it won’t, there’s always a chance).

Sooner or later you will have to cooperate with other humans.  Why not start as soon as possible?

I could go into the specifics of machete versus katana as the best bladed weapon or 12 gauge shotgun versus AK-47 but really those are details.  The important thing in this scenario is your state of mind.  Your philosophy and world view is what you will leave behind to future generations.  Make it a philosophy that incorporates kindness, caring, and forward thinking leadership.

 

Or you know….

 

At least hire a good biographer that can edit out all the bad bits.

How to tell if someone likes you

[Author’s note: Admittedly this is somewhat of a juvenile topic but I am at a somewhat low ebb as far as topic ideas go, so this is pretty much filler material.  Hope to come up with some good topics soon.]

So you’ve set your sights on your one true love (for this week), but you don’t know whether that person reciprocates your affections.  You want to know for sure before you commit yourself wholeheartedly into this affair but how to find out discreetly?

Here are some surefire (fairly sure that they might work) methods that will ascertain the truth or at the very least give you excuses to do have some stupid or zany adventures.

1.  touch.  Does she hug you harder or for a longer period of time than you think might be appropriate for a casual acquaintance.  Extra pats on the back.  That may be inconclusive.  Maybe she’s a habitual hugger.  Set up an experiment and send some mutual acquaintances to meet her and stand by with a stopwatch and clipboard.  Get at least 20 people to do this to have a good control group.

2.  humor.  Does she laugh at the most stupid and ridiculous and quite frankly inane jokes that you tell?  Get a joke book of some of the worst jokes you can find, memorize and tell them to her and gauge her reaction.  Knock knock jokes are always a good test.  Anything above a chuckle is a sure tell.

3.  personal thoughts.  Is she sharing things with you that she normally would not?  Does she know that you will not divulge those secrets to anyone and trusts your judgment?  Give her some fake “personal information” and see if she will reciprocate with some of her own secrets.  Tell her about your crazy Aunt Milly and see if she admits to madness in her family.

4.  Body language.  Does she stand closer to you than normal?  Is her body closed off or open when talking to you?  Step in extra close and see if she backs off or holds her ground.  Back off a bit and see if she closes the gap.  Now step in and step back.  In and back, in and back.  Now you’re dancing.

5. interests.  Does she share interests with you that she probably doesn’t like but likes because you like them?  Find the most boring and tedious part of your interest and see if she likes that too.

So after all that do the signs look good?  Is it time to take the plunge, risk it all, do the leap of faith thing?…..  Plunge right in and take this friendship to the next level…. or totally misinterpret things and ruin your friendship.

Yeah….  Maybe some more observation is called for.

 

[Author’s note 2: Okay, admittedly this was more a humorous post than anything else.  But I think there is a little hint of the male thought process when it comes to trying to determine whether someone is attracted to him.  The most confident of men become stumbling bumbling teenage boys.  Specially if they really like a person.  It’s easy to advise them to “just ask them” but when the stakes are high you really don’t want to screw things up.  Possibly damned if you do, probably damned if you don’t.]