Category Archives: Life In General

you don’t deserve a thing

I was writing up a post on conventions in general but current events have taken precedence and I will release that post another day.  Over the weekend another in a seemingly endless series of mass murders took place in California.  A young man injured 13 people and killed 7 including himself in a vengeance rampage that seemed to be fueled by his lack of a love life.

I first heard about this on Monday and the online article that I read linked to his last YouTube video where he explained what he was going to do.  It was a 7 minute long self-pitying rant about how his love life was unsatisfactory and how he had done everything required of him to “get a girl” and how he literally blamed the entire world for what he was now going to do.  He apparently also wrote a 100+ page long manifesto that went into more detail but after hearing his video I felt I didn’t need to hear more.

One thing that struck me is the way he continued to use words like “deserve” or “fair”.  He said that for all his efforts he deserved love and that women were not being fair by denying him that love.  In his mind they were not people.  He in fact refers to them as animals.  To him they were merely prizes to be won if he put in the hard work and effort.  He really didn’t care about their happiness or what they wanted.  All he cared about was his own happiness.

This holds up an uncomfortable mirror up to all the male gender and how we relate to women around us.  Do we really see the women in our lives as equals?  Or do we instead see them at best as second-class citizens and at worst as inanimate objects to be used at our discretion?

What’s particularly troubling is this idea that there is a magic formula for “being loved” and that it’s all a merit based system.  The notion that if you persist enough and do all the right things that eventually you will wear down the woman of your dreams and make her your own, regardless of how she feels about it.  This turns the woman into an objective to be won and conquered and is pure misogyny plain and simple.

In this life you don’t deserve a thing.  You are not guaranteed to get the woman of your dreams, guys.  If you’re going to find that true love of your life then it has to be a two-way street and the attraction has to be mutual.  If it’s not there, then it’s not there and it’s time to move on and get on with your life.

looking back, looking forward

I was doing some writing at a tea shop the other weekend and dug out my notebook from my satchel.  I usually have notes for my next section or chapter or whatever on paper.  I have writing tools like Scrivener but I’m hide-bound about some things and I prefer having a notebook for all my notes and planning.

Anyways as I was flipping pages I paused on the pages  that I wrote back in December with my plans and goals for the year.

Some people do monthly reviews, some do reviews every quarter or third of even half-year reviews.  As it was mid May and I hadn’t done this since February I decided to look it over and see how I was doing.  In some ways this post is part of that review.  Making some of my goals public puts extra pressure on me to get things done.

My health goals are proceeding ahead of schedule in some areas and behind in others.  Overall I am happy with the way they are coming along but I recognize that in some respects that I have a way to go and if I want to meet some of the hard number goals by December 31st that I need to get a move on.  I’ve run a couple of short course races and I think I will give Summer a break and wait for the Fall and look to races then.

Business wise I hit a horrible speed bump starting in late February and extending into early April.  A shame as January started very well and I had a glimmer of a hope that my business goals would be a breeze.  I’ve been putting in extra effort during the last month and a half and it seems to be paying off but it’s not going to be a breeze as I hoped and I will need to keep on it for the rest of the year.

General plans for home improvements are proceeding apace.  I have achieved a couple of small projects and will have a second round of flooring done in the Summer; sometime around July probably.

A new car….I think this is going to have to wait till next year.  Even back in December I recognized this as too lofty a goal for this year.  This would be nice to have but it’s not a necessity.

I’ve done several local events that I wanted to attend and that is going well.

The big vacation for the year is still a bit of a question mark for several reasons.  My initial plans focused on a trip to somewhere in Asia or the Indian Ocean in October but the time needed to travel there is a big stumbling block.  So I am still without a destination and frankly a lot is going to depend on how work proceeds during the Summer.

I am content with my progress.

For the most part.

Some things are missing of course.  Some aspects of my life aren’t easy or quick to fix.  But I think I could be in a much worse position so I am thankful for where I am.  I think I will schedule some time in late August or early September to look back and read this and see how the Summer turned out.

backsliding

It’s amazing how easy it is to slip back into old habits and how seductive it is to consider returning to the old patterns of life.

Last week I ran into some “friends” I knew from way back in the 90’s.  These were some people who I knew from the clubs in the glory days of the Richmond strip area when it competed with Washington Avenue as the place to party in Houston.

Very friendly folk, they immediately began telling me about their lives since those days and about other people they we all knew.  They said I should really check back in with the clubs and bars and see what was going on.  I was half tempted to as I hadn’t been back to those haunts in ages.  That’s when it happened.

They began with all the gossip, all the petty rivalries, all the “dirt” about people we mutually knew.  Suddenly I remembered why I had left the club scene back then.

Bad habits are so easy to get back into.  The temptation to let it go and fall back into them is so overwhelming at times.  But it’s not just with people.  Set a pack of cookies or donuts near me for a day and see what happens to them.

A little voice in the back of my head quietly and quite reasonably asks “What’s the harm?  Why not just go back to what you know best?  Why go through the regimented diet, the exercise, all the hassle?”

I think back to three years ago (no, nearly 4 now) and how I felt back then.  The listless days of trying to fill in the hours between meals, the lack of useful purpose and the lack of direction that I had allowed myself to fall into.  I was living exclusively for the moment.  Don’t get me wrong, I got plenty of things done but it was all done without any plan or done on the spur of the moment.

But it’s more than just getting myself fit and getting my life in order.  There’s an old Aggie poem (yes, they do exist) that in part goes:

Fond memories bring a sigh — but nothing more;
Now we are men and life’s a greater thrill,

Reliving those old moments is pleasurable, for a moment at least.  But it’s not the type of life that I want for myself these days.  Thinking about it, I would not feel that it would satisfy me and I would feel forever miserable now that I’ve experienced more.

The way back no longer exists.  The path forward is the only way to go.

little things

It almost always starts that way doesn’t it?  Progress, development, change.  Whether you’re talking about the march of history, or evolution, or even just doing something in your own life.  Some tiny little detail changes and forces you to adapt and before you know you have wholesale dramatic changes.

People always talk up big moments in life where you have to make some stark or dramatic decision that will alter your destiny.  Moments that are portentous as they are melodramatic.  But I’ve found that those times, although they do exist, don’t really determine the course of your life as much as those small seemingly innocuous decisions that end up  making a big difference in your life.

Some examples.

Back in college my dad would send me his mining journal magazines from time to time.  One thing that caught my eye was an advertising insert from a start-up Australian software company.  The insert was a glossy colorful ad with a CD that had an evaluation copy of their software (ER Mapper).  As I had access to computers with CD-ROM drives (a rare thing back in the early 90s)  I tried out the software.  I wasn’t too impressed but later on when I went to write my resume, in the software section I wrote down ER Mapper.  That little detail along with my knowledge of computers landed me my first job.

In the mid 90s I loved going on newsgroup forums.  One day a correspondent from the UK wanted to chat more and asked if I had ever tried Yahoo chat.  I had not but I gave it a go.  We had a nice chat but more importantly this led me to discover the Yahoo chat rooms.  It was there that I found my first long-term relationship.  The relationship didn’t last but this contact led me to Myspace, which led me to OkCupid, then to Facebook, and in a roundabout way eventually led me here to start writing this blog.

Last example, a few years ago the city decided to do extensive road repairs in West Houston.  Up to that point I had been taking sedate short walks to promote my fitness levels and really not getting anywhere.  The road repairs forced me to take longer detours and extend my walking route and to do some running to make up for the extra distance.  This led me to taking longer walks and running longer distances.  I began piecing together little half mile sprints here, quarter-mile jogs there and eventually I put it all together and found I could easily run 6 miles per day and on exceptional days 11 miles like last weekend.  Not up to the level of a marathon yet but getting there.

Little things, they do add up to be a lot.

the dream diminished

I was digging through my linen closet the other day, sorting out useful and useless stuff.  In the back of the closet I found some old bath towels that I had not seen in ages.  They were plush and fluffy terry cloth towels and though a little threadbare they were still useful.

My parents had bought these for me way back when I got my first college apartment.  I think they bought them at a Target or Sears or some such place.  What struck me as odd is how good they were.  I mean back in the early 90s when they bought them they were low to middle class bath towels, nothing special.  I compared them to some designer towels from a high-end department store that I bought a couple of years ago and there was no comparison.  These old towels put the new ones to shame.

What was going on?  I looked on the tags and found part of the answer.  The old towels were 100% terry cloth cotton.  The new ones were 40% rayon.

But it’s not just a case of towels.  The more I thought about it over the next few days, the more I realized that the quality of various things had decreased.  The new things were still adequate, still useful, but the quality of the materials, the design, the craftsmanship had deteriorated.  Over the long haul we have grown slowly accustomed to accepting less and expecting less.

Another unrelated event.  A new apartment building went up in flames during construction recently.  On a local radio station a fire fighter commented that older buildings usually took between 30 and 40 minutes to be fully engulfed in flames due the materials and building standards used, while new buildings could go up in about 5 minutes.

I wonder how an archaeologist from a thousand years in the future might view these facts.  Would she look at artifacts from the 1950s and compare them to the 2000s and conclude that she had found the dividing line between the rise and fall of our civilization?

It’s not just physical artifacts that have deteriorated over time but services as well.  I vaguely remember my first ride on an airplane back in the 70s.  I think we were going to see my grandparents in North Carolina and I recall that the airport was a giant open and well-lit mall-like area.  The passengers were well dressed and we had no security to worry about in those days.  The plane seemed huge and the seats were over sized and plush.  The flight crew was happy and eager to help.  If I had to summarize the experience in one word it would be luxurious.

These days the airports are crowded, dingy, moodily lit bus stations.  The passengers dress any which way they want, they are forced into lines to wait and be searched like common criminals and are then forced into tiny hard plastic and metal seats in the plane.  The flight crews are overworked and surly and I would summarize the experience as dilapidated.

What has improved (arguably) is the entertainment available to the populace.  The quantity of distractions accessible to the average citizen has skyrocketed not only in the amount but in the variety available.  Anyone, regardless of income can now purchase music players, video players, game consoles, or portable computers and access entertainment choices ranging from sports, to music, to shows and movies, to games that will serve to distract them at home or even on the subway ride home.

For those that can look past the entertainments there is an avalanche of information inundating the senses.  Pundits sort through it all and tell us what to make of it and blame “the other side” for our problems.

Have we become so satiated and numbed by pop culture and media that we don’t notice the concrete decline in our living standards or am I being overly harsh and critical about the way that the world works these days?

Have I finally succumbed to the “old man’s disease” of comparing things to the good old days?

different worlds

I took another step into the social media world the other day.  I joined LinkedIn.  I can’t say that I did so willingly or enthusiastically. I’ve known about LinkedIn for quite a while but I’ve resisted joining for my own reasons.

The whole thing was precipitated by a serious inquiry that came into our website.  The client wanted to connect through LinkedIn.  Normally other people in the office would deal with this but they were busy so it fell to me and I had to register to begin the conversation.  The first thing that struck me is that I have never had anything to do with LinkedIn and yet I had over 200 connection requests already waiting for me.  What’s more LinkedIn wanted to take a peek into my mail contacts and social contacts to add more people.  I bypassed this option and cropped through the requests taking only the ones that looked familiar and ignoring the rest for now.

Some people might find it odd that I want to keep my professional and social lives apart but to me they have little intersection.  My professional life deals with many technical subjects that my friends and family don’t really know all that much about.  On the work side, the people who I deal with are mainly consummate professionals.   They eat, breathe, and sleep their jobs and don’t really like to share their home life.  In some cases I don’t really know anything about them.

To me social media has always been a more private affair that dealt with my life outside of work.  Something that was for family and friends.  To my peers I am someone who is interested in movies, writing, science fiction, and various other things.  To my co-workers and business contacts I am the guy that provides them reliable service and advice.

The only intersection between the two worlds is me.

So how will this play out in the long run?  My aim is to try to keep these worlds separate as much as possible.  I know that the two sides can be successfully integrated and can even enhance each other in some ways.  But I value my home life and I feel a line has to be drawn between the two.

cooking up a storm

[Author’s note:  This is an edited and expanded version of a note that I wrote back in 2007.  My diet no longer allows me to eat this way except for special occasions.  Some days I think that more’s the pity]

I’ve been dicing garlic and onions.  Cutting the potatoes and bell peppers length wise and chopping parsley.  Now comes the meat.  Am I in over my head?

Maybe it’s because of the cold January weather or maybe it’s pure nostalgia but I was sitting on the couch flipping through the TV channels early on a Saturday morning when I settled on the cooking network and they had Paula Deen cooking some recipes from her childhood when I suddenly got the whim to make something myself.

With the cold wind and the gloomy weather I decided to try my hand at an “Ajiaco“.  This is a Chilean soup (or possibly it may be considered a broth) for cold weather days and this miserable day certainly qualified.  I looked on Google for a recipe.  At first I wasn’t even sure how to even spell it but I found something that sounded familiar and I printed out a recipe list and headed out to HEB, the local supermarket.

The store has been open for less than an hour.  I picked up all the stuff needed for the recipe and on a whim a bottle of wine.

Problem.

Apparently you can’t buy wine this early in the morning.  Stupid law.  So I put it back and take off with the rest of the items and pass by Whataburger to get a breakfast taco to tide me over while I cook.

Chilean cooking can be at best described as comfort food and at worst it’s a dietician’s nightmare.  Simple preparation, simple ingredients, and lots of it. One particular dish comes to mind, “Bisteq a lo pobre”, or poor man’s steak.  This is a plate that comes with:  A steak, rice, fried onions, french fries, sausage, beans, chimichurri sauce, and is topped off by a fried egg (or two), all for one person.

Remember that this is a country that until fifty years ago was primarily composed of miners, farmers, fishermen, and ranchers.  Not people who are looking for subtle hints of flavors, or small portions, or impressive plating techniques.  Just serve it all up with a large glass of red wine and keep it coming.

Urban Chileans rarely eat this way anymore.  Although restaurants do exist that cater to this type of home cooking, it is becoming harder to find and in some circles it is frowned upon as a relic of the past.

Back to the recipe.  I’ve cut the meat into long strips and placed it in the broiler to brown it.  Most of the cooking will take place on the stove top.

In a pot I put the onions and garlic with some butter to brown and soften.

Or burn.

I turn round for literally a second and I swear the damn thing is smoldering already.  My mother always called electric stove tops “treacherous appliances that can’t be trusted”  She swears by her gas stove top.  More likely though she would prefer to go back to the wood burning stove that her mother cooked on and that she grew up with.  Thinking of that reminds me of when I was a little kid and would be home from school, sick.  My mother would sometimes let me watch shows like “The frugal gourmet” or “Great chefs of New Orleans” with her on the local PBS station.  Fond memories.

It’s not quite ruined but I do remove some of the worst blackened bits.  I think it can still be saved.  I add cumin and oregano and three cans of beef stock and three cans of water.  Then come the potatoes and the strips of beef.  Now to let it simmer and wait.  About 20 minutes in and I add the bell pepper strips.  More waiting.

I remove the lid and look in the pot.  Doesn’t quite look like I remember.  Thinking about it now, I think this is sort of like a Pho but with potatoes instead of noodles.  Almost forgot to add the parsley.

The potatoes are soft so they must be done.  I taste the broth.  Definitely not mother’s cooking but then again what is.  This is a common complaint among all humanity.  No one, no matter who it is will ever replicate your mother’s cooking.  Nostalgia is that one ingredient that is missing any recipe and that can’t be bought in any supermarket for any price.

I shrug and ladle it up.  On a cold miserable day like today it’s welcome in my stomach.

I do wish I could replicate some of her more complicated recipes like the desserts.  She would take a can of condensed milk and on the embers of a dying barbecue let it slowly cook overnight.  The result was a caramel like jam that she would spread liberally on one side of a sponge cake mass and then she would carefully roll it up into a roll and slice and serve with powdered sugar.  It’s called “brazos de reina” or Queen’s arms in Spanish.

Maybe one day I will be able to cook like this.

bad news

Sometimes you get into a situation where you know a piece of bad news (and I mean really bad news not bad luck or a slight inconvenience) that doesn’t directly impact you but you have to tell someone else that it will affect.  No one likes to hear bad news but I think even more so, nobody likes to deliver it.

Delivering bad news almost makes you feel like you’re to blame for the misfortune.  For my part my stomach gets tied in knots just thinking about giving out bad news.  Knowing that I am about to make someone unhappy, I really don’t want to be the one to deliver it.  Yet it feels as if I’m doing something wrong by withholding the news.  Blurting out bad news just to relieve this feeling is the worst thing you can do.  You might feel better getting it out of your system but the person hearing the bad news might not.

We’re not all alike.

Some of us are made of sterner stuff and can shrug off bad news.  Then again some people fall apart at the slightest downturn.  Deliver the news as you would like to be told?  Not necessarily.  Again you might be much tougher than the person that you’re going to tell.

Consider the situation and the person you are talking to.  If possible recollect how they have received bad news in the past and how they handled it.  Would telling them in a different way work better?

Timing.  For my part I hate getting bad news at the end of the day.  I can’t sleep if I do.  As a rule of thumb it’s best done in the mornings after breakfast.  The body’s needs are met, the mind has shifted from being asleep to being awake and the person’s state of mind is usually at their peak.

Manage the news.  Don’t just blurt it all out like a destructive torrent.  Consider what you are going to say, what the reaction might be, and what you hope will be the reaction.  Tell the bad news but feed it slowly in manageable pieces.

If you care about someone, delivering bad news is a responsibility that you will have to take on some time in your life.  Doing it properly and with forethought is just another way of proving that you care.

today

I was short on reading materials the other day and I decided to re-read some brain candy I had lying around.  When I re-read books I will usually jump in and read chapters that I enjoyed or didn’t understand very well the first time.

In this book I jumped to the last chapter.  This is one of those serial novels that continues on in the next book.  The last line of the book caught my eye:

“Life was good, at least for today”

This got me thinking that this is something that we all need to consider more.

Most of us look at the bad times in our lives and focus in on that.  When people write about their lives they mainly talk about the challenges and hardships that they faced in the past and how that altered their lives, but so much gets left behind.

Sure these moments are important.  They help build and shape our character and if we survive them, they make us stronger.  But living exclusively in those moments of stress and pain and forgetting about the rest of life can warp you over time.  You start getting a dour outlook on life and think that all there is to life is work and sacrifice.

I’m not saying that we should turn a blind eye or ignore the problems of life.  We all have these challenges that we need to overcome in our daily lives.  Getting these things done is a priority.

But sometimes when things are going well, when we’re enjoying ourselves and life’s worries aren’t actively pressing down on our shoulders we should really take the briefest of moments and reflect “Life was good, at least for today.”

Capture that moment in your mind.  Hold it close and don’t let go of it.  Keep it in the back of your mind along with other good moments.  These will help see you through the coming crises and dark times in your life.  They will help offset the bad and let you remember that things will get better.

Life was good, at least for today.  Why can’t we focus more on that.

flaws

“My flaws define me. My mistakes teach me. My experiences mold me and my decisions build me.”

– Unknown

I have to be honest, I haven’t always had the best of relationships with myself over the years.  I don’t know quite where it started.  Possibly in junior high when I began to lag behind others physically.  Possibly the day that I learned that my vision was shot and I would need glasses.  Maybe when I realized that I wasn’t quite as smart as I thought I was.

Whenever it was, one day I decided consciously or subconsciously to let these flaws take over every aspect of my life.  They determined what I would and would not do, what I could be or could not be.

If something didn’t turn out right then it was the fault of my flaws and in some ways I could take comfort in that.  That was my excuse for not trying harder.  I loaned my flaws too much power and allowed them to shape my existence.

About four or five years ago I decided to stop my general decline and to get my life back in order.  Back to what I wanted it to be.  One of the first things I had to do was to not blame my flaws but to reconcile myself with them.  I had to accept my flaws for what they were but neither blame or empower them, just be at peace with them.

My flaws or rather my differences define who I am.  They determine what I have to work with and give me a road map to see how I will accomplish things.  These are the tools that I have to work with so I better make the most of them and learn to love them.

My mistakes have taught me not to use my differences as excuses for not doing things.  I need to look back upon this hard-won wisdom and apply it to the present and future so I won’t have to repeat these lessons again.

My experiences have molded my life into its present shape.  I have to accept that.  I cannot go back and alter my experiences.  All I can hope for is that my experiences from here on out will re-mold that life into what I want.

My decisions will build my life.  I can decide to dwell on the past and not get things done, to hide within my flaws and use them as reasons to cower.  Or I can decide to see each day as a new opportunity and to figure out ways to use my differences to my advantage.  I can decide to build my life in the way that I want it to go.

My flaws are not flaws at all.