Category Archives: Relationships

The story of your life

September 11, 2015 7:06 AM , Leave a Comment ,

“We are the sum of our experiences”

I’ve heard this quote in several different versions in various books, movies, and plays.  Usually it is being offered up as advice by an older character to a younger character to take the long view of life and not just dwell upon a single event as the defining event of their life.

“When I asked for strength, God sent me hardships to make me grow stronger.”

Possibly a Hindi, native american, Jewish, or christian saying.  Possibly just some universal wisdom that transcends time and culture.

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

Shakespeare from As you like it.

I’ve had to think about and take some comfort in these sayings this year.  This has not been the year that I contemplated or planned for.  Don’t get me wrong, this has been far from a disastrous year but definitely not one that I would like to repeat and we’re not even done yet. But I’ve been trying to make sense and put a positive spin on what’s been going on.

So going in order:  “We are the sum of our experiences”

I am more than a mere biomechanical construct set down on this planet to move dirt around till I wind down.  At least I hope so.  The things that I have done and experienced, the things that have happened to me, the events that I’ve lived through, have shaped and changed my perspective over time.  More than that, the people I have met have altered my outlook on life and given me new things to think about.  I look back on the difficulties that I’ve lived through and see how they have prepared me for some of the challenges that I have or am living through right now.  Without those experiences and the people related to those experiences I would not be me.

Which leads me into the second saying; “When I asked for strength, God sent me hardships”.  I don’t see any of the bad times that I’ve had in my life as tragedies or pointless events or as some sort of punishment.  At least I try not to.  I mean I know it’s tempting to look for fault or to curse and spit when things are going wrong.  I know that I have succumbed to that temptation from time to time.  But over the long haul I see them as scars or marks of experience that remind me that I have survived in the past and that I can continue to survive no matter how much things change or what life throws at me.

And life does change which leads me to the last saying “All the world’s…”

Sometimes I think that life is like a book.  The experiences, the facets of life, are the chapters.  You are the protagonist and your life is the main plot line.  Of course you don’t get to guide or control the plot or the other characters.  Everything and everyone writes the totality of the story but it all comes together in the end.

The people you know are the other characters.  Just like in a long novel some characters make entrances, they affect the story, and then they leave and so ends a chapter.  None of them are truly evil or truly good.  They just play out their parts in your story while living out their own story, of which by the way you are a character in.  We affect and counter affect each other and the resulting mess is what we call life.

I am now trying to look at this year as a learning experience, something to grow and build upon, a facet of my life preparing me for the next chapter whatever that may be.  I have to believe that the people and experiences in the last year have imparted some sort of lesson or wisdom or something that will lead me to the next part of my life.  Which leads me to one final quote.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

That’s the hardest part, letting go and stepping out into the darkness, possibly stepping out into nothingness.  You can get so wrapped up in your dreams and plans that letting go is physically painful.  Facing a new reality without a specific plan or a dream is frightening.

In the end though whether I want to or not, the chapter comes to an end and I have to turn the page and begin writing the next sentence.

Posted in: faith, family, friends, life in general, personality, philosophy, relationships

Fine with it for now

August 18, 2015 6:14 AM , Leave a Comment ,

“There’s someone for everyone”

No there really isn’t.

I mean it’s a nice thought and all but just going by the raw numbers it’s a fallacy.  Numerically, there are more men in the world than women. A gender distribution of 50.4% male to 49.6% female or a deficit of nearly 60 million women.

That’s just simple numbers.  Then you figure in a host of other factors such as age, geographic distribution, preference factors, and others inputs and the facts can really get you down.  Finding a “someone” is a bit of a challenge for the average person.

Bars, Clubs, Groups, book clubs, or whatever?  I have a wide array of acquaintances but few friends and those few friends I cultivate over a long time.  You can imagine how long it takes for me to decide that someone is special.  Usually by then it’s too late.

You may ask “Can’t technology and the modern information era help?”

I’ve tried online dating and for the most part it’s been less than satisfactory.  For all the technology, the search philosophies, and the paid services that they advertise, they are essentially all the same.  Additionally, some deliberately skew results based on arbitrary factors.

Years ago I ran across this little gem of a video.

Basically the idea behind the video is that you could carefully use data, statistical analysis, and market research to find that person that you would want to spend your time with.

I liked part of the idea.  Using data and statistics to see how many women there are in the greater Houston area that I might want to date.  I put together a list of criteria fitting my own requirements, I then looked up some demographic information for the Houston area and ran the numbers.  The results weren’t all that encouraging.

In a population of 1,045,000 women in the Houston area (2012 numbers) there were about 88 women that fit the criteria.  I looked back through the criteria to see if I was being unreasonably picky.  Some of the criteria:  single, age between 36 and 45, college educated, relatively healthy, and attractive to me which I set at about 10%. I fiddled with the population size to include the surrounding communities and loosened up the tolerances but I never got over 513.  No, not a scientific survey but it did give me some scope to the problem.

Searching for 513 (not to mention 88) women in a population of over a million and spread out over a 600 square mile area didn’t really seem like a doable task.  A lot of knocking on doors and a lot of slapped faces.

But I mean even setting this aside.  Supposing I find “the one”, the other part of the equation remains as an open question.  Does “the one” like me?

That’s the part that always trips you up.  Basically you have to run one set of equations on one side and the other person has to run the same equation and both have to hope that the numbers match up.  Makes you wonder how people manage to hook up at all and also makes you think that maybe there’s a good reason why so many marriages end up in divorce.

But does this mean that I should just despair; just throw my hands up and quit looking?

No and yes.

Firstly, no.  I am not throwing up my hands in despair and quitting.  That’s just not me.  I may quit for other reasons but never for despair.  Long ago I once found love.  It didn’t last but I’ve kept on trying ever since.

Secondly, yes.  I am getting older and the biological imperative to find “someone” to procreate just isn’t as pressing anymore.  I have several nieces and nephews already and for the most part the trend among people in my generation is towards smaller or no families at all.

Also, looking through some of the demographic data from the US census, the trend for older Americans to be single or to live alone, has been increasing since the ’90s.  So I am not alone in this.

So will I keep looking?  Sure.  I will continue to look for that one woman who I can share adventures with, or live quietly with on a day-to-day basis, or just hold close. Someone that feels like my partner or co-conspirator in our escapades.

I think though that I might step back from the process for a while.  Watch and wait for a bit.  Work on myself and make my side of the equation a little more attractive.

I once wrote that one of my biggest fears was growing old alone.  I hope that will not be the case. But I need to be prepared in case that turns out to be my future.

For now I’m fine with where I am at.

Posted in: dating, life in general, relationships

Old school ties

August 12, 2015 6:50 AM , 2 Comments ,

Every once in a while someone will send in a resume through our sales inquiry form or they’ll call the main line and ask if we’re hiring.  I suppose when you’re looking for work you need to try every approach and take any opportunity to ask.

Once in a really long time I will get a professor from my old school contact me about a protegé that needs work experience or some recent grad will look through the former student rolls and randomly call people and push the “old school ties” to see if they can land a job.

“A” for effort but that’s not going to work with me.  I suppose it may have been possible at one time that going to a particular university may have insured you landing a good job no matter what your qualifications may have been.  I’ve personally never met anyone who claimed this dubious honor.  I know I wouldn’t brag about it if I had landed a job like that.

Nowadays I really can’t see this happening anymore.  Employees are investments as well as resources.

An employer will spend a significant amount of money recruiting, paying a salary to, setting up benefits for, and providing training for a new hire.  In small companies every employee is crucial to the success of the business. Many times employees in small companies have to take on a wide variety of different jobs and there really isn’t room for such favoritism based on something so arbitrary as having the same university in common.

You need people who can do not just the work assigned to them but be flexible enough to take on other responsibilities as well.

If I see a resume from a fellow former student (There is no such thing as an Aggie alumni) I will wish them luck.  I will reminisce with them about the school.  I will acknowledge that they went to a good university.  I know that they are willing to work hard.  But that’s all I know.  I can’t draw any other inferences from the university that they attended.  I don’t know anything about their ability to think or how they work with other people or what their particular strengths or weaknesses are.

Old school ties belong at reunions, they belong at tailgate parties for football games in the fall, they belong on maroon t-shirts but they definitely don’t belong in the job interview process.

Posted in: business, career, relationships, school, work

Getting out there

July 11, 2015 6:33 AM , Leave a Comment ,

I was chatting about work and life the other day over tea at Starbucks.  The conversation drifted in the direction of business networking.  Not the computer kind of network but the personal type of network.  The type that’s hard for me.

Networking really hasn’t changed at all since the first business office was set up.  Having a wide circle of friends and acquaintances always pays off.  Although we may live in an interconnected world of instantaneous communications we still have to initiate contact with other people in order for it to work.

I don’t mean just send emails back and forth or maybe even have a phone conversation but actually “talk” to the other person.  Whether that person is a client, a colleague or even a competitor at another company.  Being more than just a contact card in an email directory is important.  It means that you’re an actual human being that the other person might think of when it comes time to ask for a job, a business opportunity or an introduction to someone else.

Initiating contact doesn’t have to be a big production involving flowers or lunch or whatever.  You can just initiate contact by asking the other person how they’re doing during the course of your regular work exchange.  Do some “industry gossip”.  Talk about that other third company that has nothing to do with you or speculate on the future of your field.  Ask about their goals and plans.

The main thing is that you become a known quantity, that you have a personality, and that you’re a factor in their life.  Not a giant factor but a factor.  You’ll never expect them to break down and cry on your shoulder and you should not expect them to lend you money but at the very least if things go bad you can send out resumes to them, you can ask them if they know about any open bids, you can query them about some job applicant that they may know.

This is the way that the business world works, folks.  It always has and always will be this way.

Posted in: business, career, friends, goals, jobs, opportunities, plans, relationships, social networks, standards and practices, work

How to tell if someone likes you

June 27, 2015 6:56 AM , Leave a Comment ,

[Author’s note: Admittedly this is somewhat of a juvenile topic but I am at a somewhat low ebb as far as topic ideas go, so this is pretty much filler material.  Hope to come up with some good topics soon.]

So you’ve set your sights on your one true love (for this week), but you don’t know whether that person reciprocates your affections.  You want to know for sure before you commit yourself wholeheartedly into this affair but how to find out discreetly?

Here are some surefire (fairly sure that they might work) methods that will ascertain the truth or at the very least give you excuses to do have some stupid or zany adventures.

1.  touch.  Does she hug you harder or for a longer period of time than you think might be appropriate for a casual acquaintance.  Extra pats on the back.  That may be inconclusive.  Maybe she’s a habitual hugger.  Set up an experiment and send some mutual acquaintances to meet her and stand by with a stopwatch and clipboard.  Get at least 20 people to do this to have a good control group.

2.  humor.  Does she laugh at the most stupid and ridiculous and quite frankly inane jokes that you tell?  Get a joke book of some of the worst jokes you can find, memorize and tell them to her and gauge her reaction.  Knock knock jokes are always a good test.  Anything above a chuckle is a sure tell.

3.  personal thoughts.  Is she sharing things with you that she normally would not?  Does she know that you will not divulge those secrets to anyone and trusts your judgment?  Give her some fake “personal information” and see if she will reciprocate with some of her own secrets.  Tell her about your crazy Aunt Milly and see if she admits to madness in her family.

4.  Body language.  Does she stand closer to you than normal?  Is her body closed off or open when talking to you?  Step in extra close and see if she backs off or holds her ground.  Back off a bit and see if she closes the gap.  Now step in and step back.  In and back, in and back.  Now you’re dancing.

5. interests.  Does she share interests with you that she probably doesn’t like but likes because you like them?  Find the most boring and tedious part of your interest and see if she likes that too.

So after all that do the signs look good?  Is it time to take the plunge, risk it all, do the leap of faith thing?…..  Plunge right in and take this friendship to the next level…. or totally misinterpret things and ruin your friendship.

Yeah….  Maybe some more observation is called for.

 

[Author’s note 2: Okay, admittedly this was more a humorous post than anything else.  But I think there is a little hint of the male thought process when it comes to trying to determine whether someone is attracted to him.  The most confident of men become stumbling bumbling teenage boys.  Specially if they really like a person.  It’s easy to advise them to “just ask them” but when the stakes are high you really don’t want to screw things up.  Possibly damned if you do, probably damned if you don’t.]

Posted in: dating, humor, psychology, relationships

Catalysis

May 22, 2015 7:10 AM , Leave a Comment ,

Catalysis, the process of accelerating a reaction, mostly associated with chemical reactions, this process can also take place in other situations.  Mainly I’m thinking about human interactions here.

When you get together with other people whether at work or play or in study, something happens just by interacting.  It’s an inevitable result of humans being social animals.  Exchanges are made no matter how careful one or both parties are.  Exchanges of not just physical goods but ideas, notions, and attitudes.

Just the slightest contact is enough to set the human imagination going and from there who knows what can happen.  The best example of this would be the great Columbian exchange where not just plants, animals, technologies, and diseases flowed freely back and forth between the Old and New world.  Ideas and concepts made the journeys as well.  Unforeseen consequences followed but nevertheless the exchange would form and fashion the world for the next 500 years to come.

But even at human scale levels these exchanges can yield extraordinary results.  So many new ideas and concepts have come about from people getting together in coffee houses or in libraries or other public gathering spaces.  Free and unfettered exchanges of ideas are always generating new concepts and pushing the bounds of our civilization.

But beyond this I think these exchanges not only serve to disseminate information but to stir up humanity’s competitive spirit.  I think that when people get together and see what other people in other fields are doing that they themselves feel compelled to make an even greater effort in their own fields.  The Catalysis I mention is not just exposure to new concepts but the exposure to the passion and drive that other people have for their particular field.

It’s one of the reasons I love going to large conventions and to art showings and to book readings.  I find that I leave more energized and determined to do better and to try different things after attending these gatherings.  The energy is infectious and the result is that I want to do more in my own life than I previously did.

Posted in: culture, ideas, pop culture, relationships, social networks, speculation, thought

Extra energy

May 12, 2015 7:06 AM , Leave a Comment ,

[Author’s note:  This is an edited and reprinted post from April 2007]

So I step out of the house and go to my car this morning and I see that nature has pollinated all over my shiny Dodge.

The formerly midnight blue glossy coat was now covered by a yellow dusty cover. Those harlot pine trees had done all their business all over my car. Nature is in full bloom

Birds and bees are doing unspeakable and I would think unnatural things. Couples out together, the wafting fragrances of Spring are in the air and a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of how long it had been since he had last…..pollinated.

Other species have it easy. Young Rams for example will butt heads to see who is the fittest and strongest one to mate. This has two advantages. One it assures the survival of the species, but a more socially practical benefit is that the losers have such a bad headache they forget all about pollination for the rest of the year and don’t cause trouble.

Human males of course don’t butt heads, and the only other suitable outlets for this frustration (pillaging, war, midnight street racing) are tightly regulated by law these days.

So that tends to leave a lot of pent-up energy that needs to be released. Now people with the time and the inclination will use up this energy with hobbies, working out in the gym, plotting world domination, or discovering unified field theories. Luckily my laziness has evolved beyond these simple pass times to embrace a much more worthwhile endeavor. Beating up orcs in Everquest.

So whenever the frustration is too great I’ll take out my high level character and wander to one of the beginner zones and start pounding the hell out of anything that moves.

No one but computer generated files suffer and after an hour or two of laying waste to an entire culture you get a sense of satisfaction and forget about any other needs.

Of course that still leaves my pollen covered car in the drive way, but that’s what car washes are for.

Posted in: activities, attitude, culture, dating, life in general, relationships

What’s really attractive

April 28, 2015 6:26 AM , Leave a Comment ,

One of the nice things about getting older, at least for me, is that looks begin to lose their allure.  Don’t get me wrong, a pretty face, a trim figure, beautiful eyes.  I will always appreciate those.  But over the years I’ve learned that there is a lot more to appreciate about a person than their looks and that good looks may not necessarily go hand in hand with a bright mind, an interesting persona, an appealing attitude, or any of a thousand other things that I find appealing in a person.

So what is attractive?  Mind you I don’t claim to speak for anyone else but myself but I think my attitude is fairly typical within reason.

So some attractive characteristics in no particular order.

Intelligence. I would think that this would be so obvious it didn’t need to be mentioned but apparently it does.  It’s something you can’t find out about until you actually talk to that other person but it can soon become obvious.  The ability to think, to reason, to be more than just well read but to be able to form opinions or new thoughts.  I tend to value these abilities fairly highly.  I think it makes for a stronger and more satisfying long-term relationship.

An open mind.  Related to the above I know but I think it’s important to be able to openly talk about different cultures, different points of view, different perspectives, even things that you may not like, art forms you may not appreciate, ideas that repulse you.  I’m not saying embrace them but be able to look at them objectively and then if they don’t like it well then fine. At least the attempt was made.  But being able to communicate openly with the other person is vital.

Outside interests and hobbies.  I want a whole person that has their own life and own interests not someone that’s just waiting for me to supply their reason for being.  Whatever those interests may be; sports, business, hobbies, music, whatever.  This is part of their whole being and if they practice and enjoy these interests then I think that makes them that much more interesting.

Convictions.  Believing in something and sticking to those principles.  A truly admirable quality that not many people can claim for themselves.

Humor.  A must not only for a potential mate but for friends in general.  Being able to laugh not just at the world in general but at yourself is something that more people should engage in regularly.

Adventurous. Be able to take a chance every once in a while.  Life’s just too short for playing it safe.  I don’t mean be reckless but definitely not looking for someone who stays home and plays it safe.

Not a comprehensive list by any means but I think it covers the highlights.  I know finding all of these qualities in one person is asking a lot.  Maybe too much.  But I don’t think so.  I mean this is an important choice.  Not like a haircut that will grow out in a couple of months or a pair of pants that you thought might look good.  This is someone who I want to spend my time with.  It should be something that I should be picky about.

 

Posted in: dating, life in general, relationships, thought

aftermath

March 31, 2015 6:23 AM , Leave a Comment ,

Recently someone who I am very fond of was the victim of a crime.  Physically she’s fine and I think emotionally she’s fine too.  She’s remarkably strong.  But even the most resilient of us can be somewhat marred by such an experience.

I’ve been mugged a couple of times, I’ve known other people who have had their homes or offices burglarized, I’ve known victims of domestic abuse.  Crimes such as these tend to leave a type of blemish or scar on the soul that is sometimes hard to see or make out.

Even the most “benign” or transitory of crimes can be a jarring experience for the victim.  I think part of the reason is the wanton violation of one’s personal space.  The thought that someone can come in at will and impose themselves on you that way would be unsettling to anyone.

What you thought of as “safe” places suddenly need to be re-evaluated.  Someone I know had their office burglarized and he came to the office after it happened and slept in the office with a loaded gun.  His space had been violated and he felt he had to re-establish it as his own.

The other thing is that these type of crimes make you feel jumpy about strangers.  You no longer look at strangers with the same kind of trust and open mind like you once did.

The damage, though it may not show, is real.  You want to help.  But you really shouldn’t.

Not at first anyways.  Something like this has to be dealt with by the person, first and foremost.  They have a lot to sort out and a lot to work through.  Most people do it on their own and at their own pace.

We as friends and family need only stand by if needed.  Just let them know that you’re available and let things work themselves out.  Frustrating sometimes but the best way to handle the situation.

Sometimes though if the person affected doesn’t seem to be healing or moving forward it may be necessary to step in but usually it’s best done with the help of a trained professional.

It may not seem as if you’re doing anything by just standing by, but believe me, you are.  If you are in some way needed, the person will let you know what they need from you so don’t worry about it.

Posted in: friends, life in general, relationships, security

Is beauty necessary?

February 15, 2015 11:21 AM , Leave a Comment ,

[Author’s note:  This is the next in a series of writing challenges first proposed to me by Leslie Farnsworth.  Leslie has organized and expanded the challenge to include a larger group of excellent blog writers.  Once per month, one member of the group will propose a topic and we will all give our own unique take on the subject.  This latest installment was proposed by Rebecca Harvey.  You may want to look at the other bloggers listed below to see what they came up with:]

My thinking on this topic began with meditating on the topic of beauty itself.  Why does it exist in the first place?  Why are some things beautiful and some things ugly and how do we make the distinction?

We all have our preferences in life.  No matter what the subject is, no matter how public or personal, we know what we like and what we don’t like.  Generally these things have to do with the more basic and primal aspects of our being.  Those aspects that determine our survival.

Throughout evolution the beauty aspect has helped the individual find that member of the opposite gender that presented the best possible chance that one’s offspring would not only survive but prosper.  As environmental conditions change or a species moves into a new territory sometimes the requirements for surviving changes and beauty standards may change as well.  As a tangent line of thought, this may also be where fashion originates, but that’s something to think about another day.

For humans and our immediate predecessors, beauty standards dictated that our potential mates be in generally good physical condition, be larger than other potential mates, and have some advantageous adaptation to the local environment.

Of course this standard varied from situation to situation and from time to time.  Cultural norms have come to play a huge role in what we consider to be beautiful.  Some cultures will accentuate or even exaggerate some body part that is considered desirable.  Those cultures would use clothing, make up, or body modification to achieve the desired look.  These practices can of course be carried to extremes.  In certain cultures around the world being fat and having poor or no teeth was considered beautiful as it meant that the particular individual had access to excess food supplies and in particular access to sugar which for a very long time was a luxury food item.  Even though having poor dental hygiene is in fact a sign of bad health the practice continued on until the improvement of economic situations in these cultures made this a less desirable beauty trait.

As I said previously culture plays a big role in what we consider to be beautiful.  Wealth is an aspect of culture that can dictate how we or other people live their lives.  Whether we measure wealth by number of farm animals we own, or land we control, or pieces of paper we have in a bank.  Money represents power and power has always been beautiful whether we like it or not.

But do we still need the old beauty standards of good health and attractive features?  In the urban situation where most humans live,  where we no longer have to hunt for food or run away from predators or scavenge and go hungry for weeks or months at a time and where physique is no longer as important, is it still valid to judge others with those old beauty standards?  Surely if you are searching for a potential mate and you take into consideration their ability to earn wealth then a potential mate is to be judged by their ability to think, plan, and create content and thus participate in the idea economy rather than by their physical development and their ability to chop wood, or plow a field, or hunt.

That would be true in an ideal world but one thing we have begun to discover is that this human built environment has its own challenges.  Sedentary lifestyles now represent the largest danger to those living in cities.  We have access to too much food and little need to exert ourselves as vigorously as we once did.  Heart disease, diabetes, and cancers are the biggest killers of all these days.  Diseases that were previously kept in check by harder and more physical lifestyles.  Those individuals that work out and keep fit are still considered beautiful as they seem to reject the sedentary lifestyles that lead to these diseases.

A secondary consideration relating to our new economy is that you may have the best ideas in the world but if you can’t convey those ideas to large groups of other people then your idea won’t be successful.  As our means of communications are becoming more and more visual and as our minds respond better to beautiful things, even if just sub-consciously, then  we turn again to the old beauty standards.  We trust the beautiful, we listen to the beautiful, we envy the beautiful.  The ugly, not so much.  One famous example was the Kennedy-Nixon debate.  Those that listened to the event on radio gave the debate to Nixon as the more persuasive speaker but the vast majority of the population that saw the event on TV gave the debate to the younger and more attractive Kennedy.

So is beauty necessary?  I wouldn’t call it necessary as I would call it a factor to be aware of and something to take into consideration. I think we have to be aware that beauty does play a factor in our lives however much we may eschew this and even think this a banal consideration it does exist and does have the power to alter our decision-making process.

Posted in: blogs, culture, fashion, genetics, ideas, life in general, psychology, relationships, thought